Hello from San Jose del Cabo, Mexico,
I had no idea what the response to last week's Weekend Vigilante would be. I hit enter when finished and really didn't think there would be much response. I actually wrote it mostly for myself to document my own life changes and as a marker and commitment to a new era in my life.
But the response was unbelievable. For days my inbox was filling up with emails from good friends, old friends, acquaintances and many people I don't even personally know. The responses were diverse but mainly positive and wishing me well on my new lifestyle. And many others told me of their personal issues and how glad they were to see someone like me say these things publicly. And even more told me that they had awoken to some of their own issues and planned to change their lives along with me.
It was really quite an amazing outpouring of support and love.
Perhaps my favorite, as usual, was from Doug Casey who always interjects a little wisdom, "Great article on drinking. And a great move. But moderation in all things– no need to be a total teetotaler. Still… Congratulations!"
Doug is right, of course, that moderation in all things is really one of the keys to living a good and healthy life.
Sure, maybe in a year or two I'll have a glass of wine from time to time with dinner. And who knows, maybe on special occassions a glass of scotch with a cigar and good friends.
But, as I stated last week, and have already had reaffirmed in the first week of this new lifestyle, I really don't need alcohol at all anymore for the things I used to think I needed it for. And, I plan to develop myself even more to the point where I am totally comfortable and at peace in social situations… stressful situations or any situation… without a medical or external aid like alcohol.
THE FIRST WEEK
It has already been one of the best week's I've had in perhaps years. It has been a rediscovery of myself, unassisted by any external aids, and what I have discovered is that I am way better without alcohol in every way, shape and form.
Aside from being incredibly productive this week I embarked on my journey to examine myself and the nature of self and life itself.
Many people sent me books, articles and videos that explore these topics and one of the most profound I discovered this week was the following video.
Dr. Gabor Maté goes into a deep understanding of who we are and why we do the things we do. Don't let the topic fool you into thinking it is solely about substance abuse. As Maté explains the human mind is based on addiction. It is always wanting… it is programmed that way.
I have always felt that the mainstream definition of "addiction" made no sense. I've even stated that "there is no such thing as addiction"… but when I stated that I meant it in the western mainstream terminological sense.
However, Maté´s definition of addiction makes much more sense to me. He states that as long as we let our mind control us that we are always addicted to something… that is the nature of the mind.
Those who abuse substances such as alcohol or heroine aren't addicted to alcohol or heroine. They have an emptiness or hurt inside – very often from a young age – that they are trying to fill. They have, through trauma or lack of love, a loss of the essence of their true self and many try to fill that hole with external substances whether it be eating, drinking, shopping or even just wanting to be liked.
I have proven to myself this week that I was definitely not "addicted" to alcohol in the modern day terminology. Many people told me things to do to get over the physical responses from stopping drinking. I haven't had any, at all, and didn't expect to have any. While I had been drinking quite a bit in the last year your average hardcore alcohol abuser would laugh at my relatively small amount of intake.
However, I was using alcohol to fill a need for a period of time. And, already, I think I have discovered what that hole was.
For me I believe it was a fear of not being good enough or being as good as I could be. I think this is what was at the core of why I relied on alcohol for a number of years in social situations.
I realized this when I looked back at my life. I never tried very hard in the public indoctrination camps because I saw them for what they truly were. But, in things I did care about, such as computers at a young age I always had a subconscious fear I would not be good enough.
As one example, at about age 14, my mother enrolled me in the only computer school she could find at the time, in 1984, at a local community college. I would get all the coursework ahead of time and would learn it all before the first day of class. My mother always used to laugh at me… she'd say, "Why do you always feel the need to learn everything before even going to the class?"
I didn't realize it at the time but it was a fear of not massively overachieving. I always had it in my head that if I didn't know everything there was to know about the class I was going to attend -including knowing more than the teacher… before even going to the class, I was a failure.
Not a failure in the sense that I would fail the class. But, because I always felt that I had the potential to do great things and anything less than perfection would be a let down to myself in not achieving it.
This was all fine and good when it came to things I wanted to learn about like computers but when it came to being successful socially, with girls and eventually with things like public speaking I knew I was not even close to perfect and knew I was a long, long way from being there. I had not developed really good social skills throughout my youth as I was constantly away from social contact and constantly on my computer.
So, when it came time to go out and be social at a bar or nightclub I'd drink to feel more relaxed and mask the pain of knowing I was not fully developed in this area. Or, with girls. Or with public speaking.
In looking back it would have been way better if I had some sort of a mentor who could have guided me through learning these skills without external aids. But, I didn't have one and so I used alcohol to get me through.
In the end, after having my last real drink last week to help me get through this long uncomfortable stage it actually did help me. It helped because by relaxing me and removing some inhibitions I slowly learned these new skills. But it would have been a lot quicker and easier if I just had someone in my life thirty years ago who could have shown me how to acquire the skills to be successful in a social or public environment.
But, as I discovered last week, I now have almost zero problems at all in social or public environments. In fact I went out with many people from the TDV Wealth Management Crisis Conference we are hosting in Cabo this week to a bar on two different occassions and did not drink and had no problems engaging with anyone like a normal social person.
Well, now that I think about it, there is one difference between me when I am not drinking and when I am drinking. I am a lot less chatty and outgoing. Even my wife brought it up this week.
"You're boring when you don't drink," she said.
I looked at her… "C´mon, don't tell me that!" I said, "Do you want me to start drinking again just so I am a bit more talkative?"
She laughed, "No… I guess I'll just have to get used to it… it's just different."
I don't know what it is about a few drinks that gets me laughing, smiling and joking more. That will be one of my next things to discover. Or, maybe that is just not my nature and that is just something people, including my wife, will have to get used to.
I always used to feel sorry for women I met in the old days when I was drunk at a bar. I'd be laughing, joking, expressive and be incredibly outgoing and sociable. Then we'd go home together, wake up, and I would be a totally different person. I'd be quiet, reserved, deep thinking, measured and calm. Quite often they thought that I was mad at them… I had to explain that I am quite different when I am drinking and not drinking.
For me though, I like the sober me much more than the drinking me. I know that the sober me is much more of a reflection of my true self… and see the drinking me as more of a bizarro characterization… although most people would rather hang out at a bar with drinking me I think. However, having hung around drunk people sober for a few nights and entering into conversations with them I have started to realize that drunken conversations aren't all they appear to be when you are also drunk.
In fact they can be downright boring and irritating as the drinking person seems to find all sorts of stupid and mundane things to be really funny and interesting.
I don't know how many times I have walked into a bar full of drunk people and began drinking voraciously to get drunk enough to find them interesting. Now I realize that it is probably best just to leave and go for a walk on the beach or read or write a book instead of trying to numb myself down to their level to enjoy it.
THE FUTURE
This will likely be the last post on this subject as I am just over that phase of my life now and don't want to bore you with any more details. But, given the response from last week… and the fact that everyone at the conference here had a pool going on how long I would last without having a drink (of which I think I already outlasted most of them who had it down to a certain hour) I figured a final update was in order.
I have zero intention of ever drinking in social environments ever again. After having spent time this week at my wife's Mexican birthday extravaganza, spoken at our conference numerous times and having hung out in the evenings at the bars with the rest of the group I have realized that alcohol was keeping me from developing myself. And I am just all-round better and more productive without it.
I've been in the gym all week and intend to develop physically tremendously. You may be shocked how I look in just 1-2 months. I've been getting grounded, centered and connecting again with nature… something I have sorely missed in the last year. And, of course, spending more time with my wife and family…. knocking off a few with one stone today as I went horseback riding with my wife on the beach.
It was really only in the last week before I quit drinking that I began to drink excessively by any definition. I even had two full days where I just drank non-stop. That was when I knew it was time for a change.
All the good things that alcohol brought to my life in the past had all disappeared and only bad things now existed in their place.
As public record and for my own attestation of the final days of my drinking life I post here an interview I did after having been drunk for nearly two days straight.
The interview, aside from me, is great by the way.
But, upon viewing the video I couldn't believe how bad I looked or how horrible of an interview I did. That was the final step where I realized that, funnily enough, although I used to drink to loosen up for interviews in the past it had now gotten to the point where the drinking was making me a worse interviewer or speaker.
As I write this I just completed an amazing Anarchast interview with Rafael of Bit Angels here in Cabo that was perhaps one of my best efforts to date.
As I said last week, I have finally learned how to be comfortable in social or public situations. From here on it should be an amazing series of developments as I focus on improving myself mentally, physically and spiritually and don't have alcohol slowing me down.
THE FUTURE
If you could stomach watching all the way through my drunken Anarchast to the end you will have noted that I said, "I'm not sure I want to live in this world much longer."
I was not suicidal, at all, but just expressing that there is so much pain and suffering in the world all wrought by uninformed, propagandized and brainwashed people who actually cause much of their own problems. Like the recent minimum wage hikes in the US as one small example with even one economically illiterate Californian senator calling for a $28/hour minimum wage! This, of course, will cause massive economic destruction and impoverish countless people. Yet, many won't even see that their belief in incorrect ideas is causing their own pain and blame it on others, like capitalists, causing even more social strife.
But, after that day I looked in the mirror and said… "Are you going to just go down with the system itself by numbing yourself to these things? You have so much more potential for making amazing change but it will take great strength and a resolve of a very clear and strong mind, spirit and body."
I walked upstairs to my living room and saw all the wonderful things in my life. My five dogs, two anarkids and my anarchowife and again asked myself, what in the world am I doing?
It was then that I made a pact with myself, my family and to you that I will not stop the fight. In fact, I will take it to the next level. The government thought I was the enemy of the state before?
Just wait until they see the newand improved and unimpaired Jeff Berwick. I'm back.
